YEAR 1: Hill Topper & The Pink Book
by Isaiah Hetzer
Summary: A parellel of my high school and Hogwarts. Pretty funny, not the same characters, yes, there is sex later! =-o
1. The Pizza Died

HILL TOPPER and The Pink Book  
  
Chapter One: The Pizza Died  
  
Los Alamos Middle School was not always a school of great anti- pleasure and misery. There was a time, when the all-girl school of stone was glamarous and full of hope, excitement, and fun. Eventually it became a school for all genders, male, female, and or other. Soon the middle school became a junior high, after all, who needed all this grouping and nonsense! Times were happy, and the seventh principal of Los Alamos Middle School was named Shama Fufu. Mrs. Fufu started the tradition of getting involved with government, and eventually, she had enough power to request proposals that were almost always past.  
She stated that a law should be in the making that all homes within one mile of the school must be a pizza home. She used her power for good and the school was as elegant and glorious as ever. The pizza home act was passed and modernization was taking place at the school, and Fufu, through all her long years of teaching, became a very wise old lady.  
Stuf Cocking became the Vice Principal and began to manipulate the principal. He sort of had her hypnotized, in her own little world. The evil Vice Principal, Mr. Cocking, was now in power. His first of his many evil acts was to create a middle school, not a junior high. He also decided that the symbol of Los Alamos Middle School should be the hawk. There were six groups, three for seveneth grade and three for eighth grade. They were different hawks, and the nonsense has stood since the day.  
Cocking forged the Los Alamod Middle School of misery the young students attend today: full of evil, depression, and chaos. His family spread for decades, and Roberto Cocking was born. Eventually Roberto, a girl, became the Dark Lady of Los Alamos and filled the middle school with even more dispair in the late twentieth century. The hope was being sucked out, and the misery of the school stands, ever strong. Roberto changed her name to Oasis, because she was plain weird.  
Oasis was feared by all of Los Alamos and the year 1988 came, the year the savior was born. The young savior was son to a great Pizza Home Builder in Los Alamos. His father was working on a home for a great woman who was to one day rule all of Los Alamos. The Pizza Home was built, and his son was near the house, and he burped, yes, burped on the house. Green sparks shuttered throughout the Pizza Home, and Oasis arrived. The boy's parents greeted her in front of Oasis' new home.  
Oasis said, "You're ugly," and then got some sort of pink knife and flung it at each of the boy's parents. They were dead.  
Oasis went inside the room and she could be heard shrieking something of the sort such as, "PINK HOLY BOOK OF MAMA THE PIZZA IS DYING! I AM DYING! AHAHHHH!"  
The boy, was left there, giggling, until when chance came, he ensnared a new caretaker. The boy passed to the creature Fat Cat of West Los Alamos and taken deep within the dark forest. There he consumed the boy emotionally. He was always abused, and yelled at for at least eleven years, until hope finally arrived. The eleven year old boy saw fire! Yes! Fire! Finally, his evil caretaker Fat Cat had to flee, wherever he was, who cared? The boy was now safe, away, from Fat Cat. Fire was nothing compared to the evil burden of that Cat. There, the boy was kidnapped, by a thin, dangly woman.  
  
The street was dark, no lights were present, and beyond the darkness could be seen a sign that read: los alamos middle school. In the common tounge, this sign said, "Welcome to the horror and hell within. I pray you survive, while at, LOS ALAMOS MIDDLE SCHOOL!" A thin woman, the one had saved the boy was present and read the sign and sighed, "Such a burden to leave someone innocent in this school." The thin woman was alone and her name was Filichio Darsian, a staff member to Los Alamos High School. All of a sudden a woman wearing a bush around her chest and bush around her lower waist and thighs jumped out of nowhere.  
Naked Tub appeared and said, "Fancy seeing you here my dear Darsian. What is going on? Macho Man Spanktops told me you would come here. I need to talk to you and why do you have business here?"  
"Relax and calm my old Tub. Stop wrinkling and fidgeting, for I know above all, that I am smart, and so you should be satisfied. I am here on business regarding the placement of young Ex Why," said the old Filichio Darsian slowly.  
Naked was extremely wrinkly, very old and extremely short as she yelled, "Ex Why! Is he not the one who infamously burped and killed Oasis! Where has he been all this time? He is coming here tonight!"  
"Calm, my dear fat old friend. Yes, Ex Why's real name is unknown, so he shall be given a new name and his caretaker shall be this school I found him when I was in the western woods, doing stuff an-" Darsian was interrupted.  
Naked asked, "What stuff?"  
Darsian replied, "Looking for a proper burial for when my frog dies."  
"I want to marry that frog, Darsian! GIVE HIM TO ME!"  
"Absolutely not! Anyways! Back to business! I found the eleven year old unknown boy who defeated Oasis by burping. Ex Why is simply the name for an unknown 'person'. I shall give him the name Chris McClown. He will live and be taken care by this school until the time is right," said the wise Filichio.  
Tub answered, "You cannot leave him in that school! What is wrong with you! It is misery! And where is 'Chris'?"  
Darsian said, "He must stay in the school. No more questions or comments of that matter. He is being flung to me from you-know-where by Mucus Mormama.  
Tub replied, "Mama is a stupid idiot. What do you mean flung?"  
"MAMA IS MY BOYFRIEND YOU HORRIBLE WITCH WITH A CAPITAL B!"  
"I did not think you, Darsian, could sink as low as to curse me with an immature slogan such as that. If you wish to swear at me, use the real world, old fool."  
"ARGH! FOR YOUR INFORMATION HE IS BEING FLUNG BY A FLINGING MACHINE YOU IDIOT!"  
"That is it! I have had enough with you Mrs. Fatso!"  
"Who is talking my dear Naked Butt? Are you not weighing more than me, yet you are half my size?"  
"I AM GOING TO KILL YOU! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!"  
At this, Tub punched Darsian and Tub was returned the favor when Darsian tripped her knocking Tub to the ground scraping her face.  
Darsian exlaimed, "I-GAVE-YOU-THE-CHANCE-TO-HELP-ME-RAISE-CHRIS! BUT YOU HAVE ELECTED A WAY OF STUPIDITY! YOU SHALL DIE!" Darsian stood up ever gleaming and looked evil with her red eyes and bellowed, "NOW!"  
At the word of "now", an eleven year old weirdo came out of the air and landed on the whimpering and fallen Tub as she said slowly shaking off the boy and standing up, "There is only one Lady of the High School, and she does not share power!"  
Darsian looked confused, "That made utterly no sense!"  
Tub said, "I know you! You just want the great defeater of Oasis to be friends with you and attend Los Alamos High School so you can be promoted by the Principal of the High School!"  
"Nonsense! Leave now!"  
Tub gave the dirtest look she could possilbe create and jumped on a spring and was thrusted into the air. The young boy looked at Darsian puzzled.  
Darsian said, "My dear weirdo, for now on you will be raised and live in that school. Term will begin next month, August. Meanwhile I need you to scourage for old crumbs and food in the administration office. Do not be caught and whatever you do, never listen to anything that administration says. It is evil, all of it. You shall live in locker 209. The combination I do not know, burn the door open, but have money to pay for fees next month. I shall be off! Here is the master key to LAMS, Los Alamos Middle School," he handed the key to Chris, "and do not misuse it! Fairwell!"  
Chris said, "May I please be a Weirdo the White?"  
"What are you talking about?" requestioned Darsian.  
Chris handed him a paper that read the following:  
  
The Orders of the Weirdos  
Weirdo  
Weirdo the Brown  
Weirdo the Orange  
Weirdo the Purple  
Weirdo the Black  
Weirdo the Grey  
Weirdo the White  
  
Darsian quickly said, "I do not believe in nonsene. Go away.I mean, I will go away."  
And with that, Darsian jumped onto the spring and disappeared into the nightsky and Chris McClown was left in the cold, bitter night in a school which he would soon find is the worst place he had ever seen and been in, even worse than Fat Cat. Chris McClown entered the school grounds, and it was horror, everything about it. From that night on he knew this place was evil.  
  
When August came, the middle school principal had charged Chris about one thousand dollars for locker damages, although all he did was burn a very tiny hole. The principal still argued, "One hole is enough to fill the school with fire."  
Chris never did understand what the middle school principal meant, but she was by far the worst of this evil place. Classes began and Chris was made to sleep in an old deformed locker, no doubt by order of the Principal. He only had one meal: lunch which cost him three dollars. He only could afford it every other day, he picked up loose change. The principal never let him leave the school grounds and his house, his home, his family, was that small deformed locker.  
By far, McClown was the smartest and head of his class, which made the evil principal hate him more. Occasionally she whacked him here and there to prove she was the boss and that he would never leave the place. What was strange was that he had never went to school before. He passed all of his seventh grade final exams without problem and during the summer, he was alone. There was no one to comfort him or talk to him. He had no meals and so had to resort to eating rats now. Chris often thought where in the world was Darsian. Darsian had abandoned poor Chris to this evil place. No one knew he was, nor did he know who he was. No one he knew that he was the burping Ex Why and so he had no friends. Everyone hated him and even if he did have friends, he was not allowed to talk to anyone. ALL of his group work was to be done only by himself by order of the principal.  
He was not the only one who had to endure the pain of the LAMS administration. Every student in that school utterly and completely hated it, it was the worst place in all of New Mexico besides Espanola. New Mexico was the name of the state in which poor Chris lived and Los Alamos resided. Espanola was a very bad town down in the valley under Los Alamos. It was the heroine capital of the world and a disgrace at that, at least that is what Chris was told and always had to believe. His principal said if she ever saw him saying anything good about Espanola that she would cut off his head and laugh.  
All of the LAMS administration was really barabaric and stereotypical. If you asked any of the students, they were the Center for the Paranoid, Racist, Prejudist, and Mentally Ill Persons. Chris had never seen anything but the western forest, a strange magnificent and wonderful building (he had seen this only once, the night he was dropped off in this horrid school), and his home which he could not remember. He had been in Los Alamos very rarely, maybe once or twice, both times when he was a baby.  
  
Summer passed and eighth grade came although Chris had a feeling it would be almost exactly the same as the last year. 'And what about ninth grade?' he thought. Would he be home schooled, or would you call it school schooled? Would he not continue his education? Well all his questions were answered when at Winter Break the principal told him that he would be not taught anything but would stay here until he rotted and died.  
Chris passed his exams in eighth grade. That night he had a very strange dream that there was this tall figure. She was saying stuff like, "Warn them, warn them my Mama, warn them that it has happened!"; "It has begun! It is coming! Like a cloud of evil but instead happy hiding its horrible depression!"; "The teachers will pee by force and the dance teacher will raise her skirt and go: 'WEE'".  
Chris was awoken to a very strange shriek that summer. Chris was aware that the principal would be staying for summer and that a special house for her had been built on the school grounds, but was that her shriek? Whose shriek was that? His questions would soon be answered. 


	2. The Letters From Hell

Chapter Two: The Letters From Hell  
  
The days had slowly passed and July was upon Chris and for many weeks he had wondered about the shriek, but was it really all that important? He eventually decided that he should not worry about such things, but instead, find excitement within this horrid school.  
So to find excitement, one night, Chris snuck out of his locker and ventured into the administration office and searched the offices. They were empty because of the summer and all of the rooms were dull and empty. It was huge (the administration office) and was fun to explore, this would be the first time he had been in here since the summer before seventh grade.  
Chris saw a very long hall and walked through it, exploring each room as he went on, but each room led to another hallway of doors and then their rooms into other hallways. It was a crazy maze, and before he knew it, he was completely lost. One room had the writing: HIGH SCHOOL SUCKS and another had the writing: KILL THAT LITTLE SISSY DARSIAN.  
"What a violent office," said Chris inquisitively.  
Now as he went along, each room was a different color and the hallways were becoming pitch black. He continuouly found himself bumping into walls. Eventually he found one glimmer of light at the very end of another hallway. It was a plaque with the wording that seemed to be made of some sort of neon-light bulb: THE HALLWAY OF DOORS.  
Chris repeated the wording to himself as a question and opened the door at which the plaque stood and found an even larger hallway with staircases leading to basements and huge doors. The hallway seemed to go on for at least four-hundred feet. It was huge and maybe should have been considered a corridor rather than hallway.  
Chris ran all the way to the end of the hallway to find a staircase going down at the very end, a staircase going even deeper on his right, and a staircase going even deeper on his left. Chris took the left staircase and it seemed like he had been going on for about an hour. In real time it was only thirty minutes and he eventually came to a door that had a sign reading: BASEMENT 11.  
He said to himself, "Wow, eleven floors underground."  
Then, he opened the door to find a dungeon and at the very end were two really huge doors with a doorknob that took the shape of the letter P when the two were together. And there was a sign at the top of these doors that said: PRINCIPAL MEAK. Chris opened the two gigantic doors to find a huge room lit very brightly. The desk and file cabinets were huge and to the side of him was a staircase and an elevator to the other side of him.  
Chris looked on the desk of Principal Meak wondering where she was right now when all of a sudden a hole appeared in a wall and a naked miniature little mail man appeared out of it. The hole had a sign above reading: THE LITTLE NAKED MAIL MEN NETWORK. The naked little mail man was carrying two letters and placed them on the pricipal's desk.  
"Who are you?" asked Chris.  
The thing answered, "I am an LNM and belong to LNM network, we are mail delivery people that belong to the high school. Are you Nasty Principal Meak? I tried to send this very same letter to Ex Why through the principal, but it seemed it did not get through."  
"Um.no, I am Chris McClown, not Ex Why. Really?" Chris looked excited, "A letter from the high school! Yes! Please! Give me the letter!"  
At that same moment as the thing was about to give the two envelopes to him, Principal Meak burst in and screamed, "ALL OF YOU LITTLE ASSHOLE MAIL MEN! GET OUT OF MY SIGHT AND TAKE YOUR DAMN LETTERS OUT OF MY SITE!" Meak turned her face to see Chris, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING DOWN HERE LITTLE FREAK OF NATURE!"  
Chris was very freaked out and afraid of what the principal would do, "Well.you see.I was.um-"  
"-WE ARE NOT LITTLE ASSHOLES YOU FAT WITCH! WE ARE HONORARY SOLDIERS OF MAIL SENT FROM LOS ALAMOS HIGH SCHOOL!" interrupted the thing.  
Principal Meak smiled as she looked as if she was about to kill the little thing, "OUT NOW! I DO NOT WANT YOUR FRIGGING LETTERS FROM HELL!" the mail man was very surprised and gasped, "YES! THAT'S RIGHT! LETTERS FROM HELL! ALL OF YOU LITTLE DEVILS ARE NOTHING BUT DEMONS SENT FROM HELL! AND THESE LETTERS ARE NOTHING BUT HELL LETTERS! GET THEM OUT OF MY SCHOOL! LETTERS FROM HELL DAMN YOU ALL!"  
Chris opened his mouth wide and looked at the floor and then to the principal, "So.so.it is true! The high school does want to talk to me! Oh I am so eager! PLEASE LET ME READ IT!"  
"NEVER!" shrieked the principal as picked up a chair and flung it at Chris.  
He fell to the floor and wimpered as she pulled out a pink knife and threw it at the mail man. This pink knife was only seen once before in Chris' lifetime, and he could not remember it. A pink knife was used to kill Chris' parents before the dark lady Oasis entered her home and fell.  
Meak shrieked, "FEEL THE WRATH OF MY PIXIE KNIFE!" The mail man died and the letters he was carrying turned to ash and she then faced Chris, "You little idiot, now I will kill you. I should of a long time ago! No high school for you! No more naked little dummies giving you letters from hell! NO MORE!"  
Chris exclaimed, "YOU HORRIBLE WOMAN! LET ME OUT OF THIS PLACE! THOSE LETTERS ARE FROM A PARADISE! THIS IS THE HELL!"  
And with that, Chris ran into the elevator several yards away from him and Meak threw the pretty large Pixie Knife at him. It barely missed him as he jumped inside the elevator and Meak was running as fast as she could toward him. Just in time, the doors to the elevator shut and Chris examined the controls. There were at least several hundred buttons and all were not levels, but rooms. It was an elevator just to be used within the administration office.  
Chris saw every room of the administration office listed in this elevator. He saw the button labeled: Main Office. He then pushed that button as he fell to the ground because of the force. For some reason, the elevator could not just go slowly because it must go through intricate tunnels in order to get to other rooms as there are levels. After about ten minutes, Chris finally arrived at the main office and ran out of the administration center as fast as he could. He made for the Gap of Physical Education and hid in the stage inside of the gym.  
That night he was crunched in a small box hiding, after all, what would happen if he was caught by the dreaded Principal Meak? He would be tortured for weeks and maybe even months. Throughout the evening he slept very uncomfortably and had horrible nightmares about Principal Meak. There was just black, but there was audio in the background.  
"The shriek I warn you! The shriek is that of Cocking which I will not read here! In the language of Oasis' English it reads: I scream at you because you are about to die; You are nothing to us! You are a disgrace to the world! You do not belong in the high school! The Books have been unleashed! Run for your life my dear Demufart!; Tub will return and kill us all!; Only death can save us from this misery!; The Dark Lady shall return!"  
Chris was awokened by a loud bang, where did it come from? It sounded as if it came from far away. Then he heard footsteps, about dozens of them.  
In the distance he could here voices muttering, "Are you positive? The boy? Ex Why, he is here!"  
Another older femineme voice said, "I know what I am talking about! For some reason he has not been answering our letters!"  
He could hear Principal Meak, "SHUT UP YOU OLD FOOL! You mental retard! Honestly! This IS NOT Ex Why! This is Chris McClown! How dumb can you get, Filichio!"  
"Filichio.hmm." muttered Chris.  
Filichio said, "Yes, I gave him the name Chris McClown, his true name is unknown, but of one of them, it is Ex! This is Ex"  
A high pithced man's voice uttered, "This is ridiculous, Meak! Nonsense! Do you not trust one of the greatest high school staff members of all time! Filichio knows what she is saying!"  
"I know that voice.Filichio.hmm.she gave me my name. Darsian!" Chris muttered while increasing exuberance and confidence that he was going to be rescused.  
The footsteps were increasing their pace rapidly as another male said, "Spanktops, shut up. I have known Meak for long, she knows better than Filichio!"  
An unknown female stomped her foot, "If Mormama was here he would show you all that this boy is Ex Why!"  
The footsteps were growing louder as Spanktops uttered, "This is enough! WHERE IS THE BOY! WHERE ARE YOU KEEPING HIM!"  
"I agree! SHOW HIM TO US NOW!" said a loud male.  
"There must be at least nine people," said Chris.  
Meak said angrily trying to act calm, "I do not know! He snuck into my office and took off! Search the gym, Spanktops, Darsian. Mordada and Ting, check the cateferia lockers. Dorian and Falcisto, take the hallways. I assure you, I have been treating him very fairly."  
Darsian exclaimed, "FAIR! IS FAIR LETTING HIM STARVE AND BE TREATED AS AN OUTCAST! I have tricks up my sleeve! I am not an old hag and nothing more! I am FILICHIO DARSIAN AND FEEL MY WRATH!" Chris heard a swoosh of a robe and at this, he got out of hiding and ran into the main gym and was spying on them. He found them all in the long gym hallway. They were all walking urgently but had now stopped. Darsian had stretched her robes as wings, "I AM M?DR?IN! LADY OF THE ROOM OF KOLER! KEEPER OF THE MIRROR OF PINKNESS! DEFEATER OF THE GREAT CHARLES MANSON! SHATTERER OF THE MIRROR OF DARKNESS! CLOSER OF THE DARK CORRIDOR! SEIZER OF THE HIGH SCHOOL!" The others who opposed Darsian were terrorified and looked as if they needed to use the restroom and were about to cry while the supporters of Darsian looked proud. Red sparks were now at her yellow robe, "ONE CANNOT LIE TO ME YOU FOOL OF A PRINCIPAL! TOO LONG HAS THIS SCHOOL BEEN ENDURED WITH PAIN! DO NOT LIE TO ME! YOU HAVE STARVED THE BOY! TORTURED HIM! Threatened to KILL HIM! ONE DOES NOT GET AWAY WITH THIS WHEN M?DR?IN, FILICHIO, DARSIAN, ARE WITHIN HIS GRASP! EX WHY! COME OUT OF THE SHADOW!"  
Chris looked puzzled, did he mean him? Chris stepped out of the bleachers in which he was hiding and went into the hallway. Darsian smiled and lowered her winged robes. The dramatic sparks ceased and Meak looked at him with a sad expression on her face.  
Darsian said, "This-is-Ex-Why."  
Meak frowned and Spanktops bowed as the Principal Meak uttered, "LEAVE THIS SCHOOL" Her utter turned to loud and angry exclamation, "LEAVE THIS SCHOOL YOU RETARDS! AND NEVER DARE TO RETURN! NOW!"  
Darsian laughed, "I am afraid we cannot do that. What you have done to Chris is illegal and you are being submitted to the Los Alamos Police. Fufu herself wrote the Declaration of Treating of Students. Fufu, the greatest principal of Los Alamos Middle School, would want you gone. We will leave now. Chris, come, there is lots to be done."  
Meak was furious and screamed, "LEAVE I TOLD YOU! LEAVE AND NEVER RETURN YOU COMPLETE IDIOT, CHRIS! OR IS IT, EX WHY? YOU WILL ALL DIE EVENTUALLY! WHEN THE DARK LADY OF LOS ALAMOS RETURNS! AND WHEN LAMS STRIKES BACK AT THE HIGH SCHOOL! YOU WILL SEE THE WRATH OF THE MIDDLE SCHOOL! THE MISTAKE OF THE HIGH SCHOOL! LEAVE! LEAVE! LEAVE!"  
And with that, Meak, and her friends, ran out of the gym through the nearest door. Spanktops and a few other males and females were left along with Darsian.  
Darsian dramatically said, "Come now, Chris. I think it is time you read your letter. Spanktops? Hand the letter."  
Chris was so shocked and amazed at what he had seen and the dramatic handing of the envelope was taking place. The envelope was in Chris' hands as it read:  
  
Ex Why ~ Chris McClown  
The Horror and Hell Within Los Alamos Middle School  
  
Chris opened it and read:  
  
Dear Mr. Why, We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted to Los Alamos High School. Your advisor and counselor is Filichio M?DR?IN Darsian. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary equipment.Term begins September 1st. We await your Little Naked Man no later than August 1st. Yours Sincerely, Mrs. Naycocking Dugbar Deputy C rapicle  
  
Chris shook his body out of happiness and started spanking himself as he pulled out his supply list:  
  
PLEASE BRING:  
  
1 paddle for spanking  
  
1 attitude that accepts spanking  
  
1 mask so you do not look ugly if some teachers do not like you  
  
1 Miniature Fat Cat, NOT the real one  
  
PARENTS ARE REMINDED THAT FRESHMEN ARE NOT ALLOWED TO BRING THEIR OWN  
FOOTBALLS UNLESS THEY WANT TO STICK THEM UP THEIR  
__________________________________[The principal of the high school has edited out the rest of this message as Dugbar was not feeling well when she  
wrote this]  
  
Chris was so excited and shouted, "Well can we immediately get these things! Please!"  
"Of course, my weirdo. I mean: Weirdo The White," Darsian smiled and winked. 'What an idiot thinking that was a funny joke,' thought Chris to himself. Darsian continued, "Spanktops, and all of you, you can go back to the High School. I am taking this idiot to the Hanky Panky Pawn Shop to buy his supplies."  
Spanktops replied, "Yes, we will be off."  
All of the others left through the same door that Meak had used and were out of site. Darsian told Chris to hurry along and they went all the way down the hallway of the gym through a different door. Chris and Darsian were in front of the gym on the school grounds. They hurriedly rushed down to the Steps of Uthol-Manol, the steps that led to the school grounds. They ran down those and Chris turned around to have one last view of his old home.  
Darsian smiled and said, "Unless you'd rather fart?"  
Chris answered, "No, it's okay. Let's go."  
  
It was still night when they had left the school, around midnight. Chris had not got any sleep and he was not going to get any either that night. Chris had walked with Darsian for until four o'clock in the morning. They had been going through the deserted town of Los Alamos when finally, they reached a run down small shop that had a sign reading: The Hanky Panky Pawn Shop. Chris and Darsian entered the building to find that it was even worse in the inside. It was extremely full of junk and items, it was so dusty that almost all objects were covered completely, and there was no one in there but some weirdo who was the cashier of the shop. There was wood that fell from the ceiling all over and it was very, very creaky as they walked.  
Chris asked, "Why must we use this shop?"  
The cashier burped loudly and frowned at Chris as he turned around, "Disgrace, cannot even handle a little dust! PIGS! O' ALL OF 'EM!"  
Darsian replied, "Oh, well, since the middle school and Meak are so tight with the Council of Los Alamos, laws have been passed allowing only the dirtiest and ugliest shop in the town to carry supplies for the High School. You see, we get .1% of funding from the government, although, our school is glorious, something out of a dream! We get about five million dollars a year to run the school from different organizations who oppose the middle school. That is why it is so glorious. If we tried fixing this shop, we would all be arrested, students and staff of the high school. Now come along, we have to search for your things." Darsian walked a little further examining shelves, "Ah here we go! Nice paddles! Tons of them! We have silver ones, quite hard on the ass. Then there are brass, even harder. Here we have rubber, they are so expensive. The softer they are, the more expensive. One dollar for the gold one, but it hurts like you would not believe. Six thousand dollars for the rubber one. No doubt by order of the Los Alamos Council. Which one do you want?"  
Chris stummered, "Well, you see, I have no, um, money."  
"You poor freak, well, let us go rob a bank then, my dear friend," said Darsian. Chris thought she was joking, but was actually serious.  
  
That night they broke into Los Alamos Middle School bank and stole about one hundred thousand dollars. The most money Chris had seen was three dollars. Darsian reassured him that the high school would pay back the middle school with rats. One tamed rat cost about five dollars, so they would buy tons of rats and give them to Meak in return. It was not as if they needed the money, they got 90% of funding from the Los Alamos Council and were rich. It was strange then that the school was poor. Besides, this money would go to a good cause, to the education and well being of Chris McClown.  
Eventually they made their way back and bought a rubber spanking paddle. They then examined all of the Spanking Attitude Contracts. Each contract was different, but all were similar and the more easy ones were extremely expensive. Chris bought a rather easy one that said:  
  
I, __________, accept to be spanked at the most of three times a week until  
June of 2004 by the Los Alamos High School Administration.  
  
"Those contracts, they cost lots, this one that you chose is about five thousand dollars. The cheap ones, ten dollars, they say at least ten beatings and twenty spankings a week with a maximum of one hundred beatings and one thousand spankings. You got a good deal? Five thousand, not bad. You have to sign it, give the money, and then this cashier, Dushgomama, will send the contract to the principal of LAHS (Los Alamos High School) by the Little Naked Men Network," said Darsian as he Chris signed and gave to Darsian whom gave to the cashier and said, "Not only that, my dear Gomama, but there is something else. Please send this letter," she pulled out a letter, "to the principal as well alerting her that Ex here does want to attend the school. And, be careful, use the smartest LNM (Little Naked Man) for this. It contains information about, the books!"  
The cashier looked scared and then frowned in thinking and seriousness, "Of course."  
Gomama did as he was told and Chris saw a little naked man appear and get the letters. He went back into his hole and disappeared. Chris asked, "What is the LNM network?"  
Darsian explained, "The LNMN is a network that we high school students and staff members use to send letters. It is faster than mail and much more safer. We hate the post office, USP is a little better. We do not trust the post offices, they are horrible. Invading privacy. Ever since the Patriot Act, I have vowed not to celebrate Fourth of July, which, if you have not noticed, is today."  
"What is the Patriot Act?" asked Chris.  
"Oh, well, it is basically an act passed by Congress some time ago, really, all it is, is invasion of privacy. But enough of that, now let us look for a mask. Here they are," said Darsian.  
There were thousands of masks on about a hundred shelves and Chris picked the best one he could find. It was a dog mask.  
Darsian sighed, "And at last, a miniature fat cat."  
"Why do we need those?"  
"They are guardians to keep you safe from middle schoolers and middle school staff members."  
"What is the big deal with that middle school? I know it is evil and everyone hates it, but are there not at least some good teachers? All of mine were horrible, though."  
"Do not say your teachers are horrible! None of them at the middle school, with the exception of one, are bad. You see, they seem crabby sometimes because look at who they must put up with! That horrible administration! By staff I mean administration, not usually teachers, Chris. The teachers of middle school are not evil, just one."  
"Who is the one?"  
"Hurry on, choose your cat," Darsian changed the subject.  
Chris picked the one that looked most unlike his former master, Fat Cat of the Western Woods, now burned by the Cerra Grande Fire when Chris was eleven. He was so happy that he escaped. Where was Fat Cat now? He could only wonder. Chris bought all of his supplies and then Darsian said, "Today, we shall stay at the Inn of the Prancing High Schooler. It is about three miles away from here, far from the High School. Well, you will stay there. I have business in Santa Fe. That will be your much more, comfortable home from now until September. Let us go."  
Chris got his bag of items and walked with Darsian for three miles as dawn was appraoching. When dawn was complete, they finally reached their destination. The Inn was fantastic, glorious, and a bit old fashioned.  
Darsian said, "Few know about this Inn. As you could tell, it was hidden well. Every high schooler knows of it, but usually no one else. The keeper is. is." Darsian sighed, "Naked Tub. Stay out of her way. Let us go in."  
They went in and checked a room and Chris could not help thinking of the wonderful events that have unfolded before him. Finally, finally, he was away from that horrible place, and had a home. Yes, it was temporary, but at least it was a home. No more, Meak, no more middle school; all was happy for the next month.  
  
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Please review! What do you think? Sorry if this is nonsense, it is supposed to be, as each chapter goes on, it gets clearer. want spoilers? Here are some:  
  
~You will find more about the books in Chapter 5.  
  
~The next chapter is titled: The Mrs. Lopworm  
  
~The Mrs. Lopworm is an equivalent of the Hogwarts Express, but it is NOT a train.  
  
~Christmas will come swiftly, but then everything slows down dramatically.  
  
~"The Mirror of Pinkness Will Be Revealed in Chapter 6.  
  
Hope you liked the spoilers. :) 


	3. The Mrs Lopworm

Chapter Three: The Mrs. Lopworm  
  
Just as elegently dawn had came, dusk was returning from its rest. Chris had taken a long nap when he was escorted to his room by Naked Tub who seemed to show great disgust towards him. Darsian was called to business in other parts and so he was alone for the day, until Spanktops checked up on him that evening. Spanktops asked of his adventures and Chris told all. He trusted Spanktops who was rather mangy and thin, almost as tall as Darsian, but very young. He also assumed Spanktops was a good friend of Darsian's.  
Just a few minutes into conversation Chris asked, "Why do some people call me Ex Why? Is that my name?"  
Spanktops sighed, "Ex Why was your name before you came to stay at the mid school."  
"What is so special about me? I heard you all talking about Ex Why and me. What is so important about me?"  
"And I think I am just the person to tell you," Spanktops smiled mishchieviously. "You see, long ago, about thirteen years ago, when you were just a baby, something happened."  
"What happened?"  
"Well, first of all, understand this, not all high schoolers are good. One high schooler went as far as you could, supporting the LAMS administration and all when she was attending the high school.her name was Roberto Tafttubhtoum Cocking." "My health teacher!" "Yes.When she was a sophmore, she launched a giant parade saying that the high school should be renamed secondary school and should be joined with the mid school. Of course everyone was infuriated and scared. You see, anyone who supports the middle school is dark, Chris, and very dark."  
"Then would not the teachers of the middle school be dark?"  
"No, deep down, truly none of them supported that school. There was just one, the one."  
"Who is the one? Darsian was telling me about one evil teacher but would not tell me who she was."  
"Let me continue my story and you will find out. Cocking graduated a couple of years later, and went on to become a teacher. She was evil, she was horrible, she was truly horrible. Everyone feared her. She changed her name, Chris, she changed her name. She changed her name to a name that few like to hear now. She changed her name to Oasis, Chris, Oasis. Oasis was a teacher at the middle school who was going to be appointed principal, but something happened. You, you, Chris, you burped on the house that Oasis was to move into and she was nearly dead. Not completely though! She was just now thin, ugly, gaunt, now as powerful. So instead of doing her own bidding, she allied with a group of people today, we call, M-M-M-Michelens. They were also known as Bird Feeders, horrible people, horrible people. They were once good, friends with the lost honor of another group of people known as Hetzerens. But when the dark lady of Los Alamos offers alliance, you cannot refuse. Oasis bribed the Michelen leader, Michele Lynch, to destroy Hetzer. Hetzer wanted to overthrow the dark thrown of Oasis, and so war began. The 2nd Michelen War began on January 12th, 2003. The current president of Hetzer, on February 2nd, muttered a spell, a spell to kill Oasis. The spell goes as:  
  
Hickel fickel kill the witch,  
Oasis too long, burp her away,  
BURP I CALL! BURP I CALL! BURP IT BURP IT BURP HER BUTT!  
  
The spell summoned the burp that you burped long ago, and it possessed Oasis, Oasis, the dark lady of Los Alamos, was defeated."  
"So she is dead!"  
"Dead? Oh no, we know she is somewhere out there, wondering the halls of Fat Cat Woods and the Western Woods and the Dark Forest. Some say they have even seen her deep within the middle school. One day she will return."  
"Fat Cat Woods? Was that where I grew up?"  
"Oh no, you grew up in the Western Woods and the Dark Forest. They border each other. Fat Cat Woods is a very new wood no one has ever been in. The Fat Cat is king there."  
"He raised me."  
"Yes he did, he is now not evil nor good, he does not support Oasis, nor the high school. But that is why you are special. Your burp nearly killed Oasis, long ago. And again, during your very same year, the Hetzeren Witches and Witch-Kings summoned your burp and at last, Oasis was dead, or I should say, defeated, for she still lurks, inable to do anything. You had her, you may have not known she was Oasis, but you had her. She was Mrs. Cocking, the health teacher. Could you not feel it? Could you not feel her evil?"  
"I sort of could, all were sort of, afraid of her."  
"Chris, if you had not burped on her, you would be trembling for if she had full strength, you would be dead. When Oasis kills, she kills a family, not a person. Chris, Oasis killed your two parents. She did not kill you, if she was at full strength, you would be dead."  
"She KILLED MY PARENTS!"  
"Yes, the same day you burped."  
"I see." Chris wimpered.  
"That is enough for the night. I must go." And with that, Spanktops was gone.  
  
July went by with nothing interested and Chris was quite enjoying himself in the inn after being rescued from that horrible middle school. His life was now turning around, for the better. No sooner had he been rescued and purchased his supplies that Autumn fell upon Los Alamos.  
Towards the end of August Darsian started to visit more frequently and Chris knew that his time at high school was about to come forth. On September 1st's morning, Darsian came and told Chris to pack his things as he was going to ride the Mrs. Lopworm.  
Chris asked, "What is the, Mrs. Lopworm?"  
"'Tis the way some high schoolers travel to the high school, especially when they are in hiding from mid school folks and business. Dark lands they are beyond the mid school. Now hurry on an pack! You have a busy night and we must leave in one hour," answered Darsian.  
Chris asked again, "But I am still unclear, what is the Mrs. Lopworm?"  
Darsian frowned and said, "She is a fat woman who people ride on to get to the high school. Brian Alixander is the captain as it was his idea to ride the fatsons."  
"What are the fatsons? And wouldn't walking be faster?"  
"Fatsons are a group of people almost extinct. They are extremely obeast and walk extremely quickly. No, walking would not be faster. Fatsons are magical, they crawl at ten miles an hour, walk at one twenty miles an hour, and run at fourty miles an hour. They never get tired. But tonight, it will take quite some time as this year especially, the Fatson Mrs. Lopworm has many stops to make."  
"What is the point of riding a Mrs. Lopworm, then, if you are going to just go slower by making stops rather than taking a bus or driving."  
"Some drive, yes, yes. Only about twenty students use Mrs. Lopworm. Well, busses are becoming less and less proper ways of riding to school and back, you see, the midle school and Los Alamos Council monitors the busses, they are unsafe."  
"TWENTY PEOPLE! HOW FAT IS SHE!"  
"The average fatson weight is six hundred and fifty pounds, Mrs. Lopworm is one thousand pounds. Many can fit on her, up to one hundred, I believe."  
"Wow!"  
"GET PACKING!"  
"Okay, I will."  
  
In an hour, Darsian escorted Chris down to the first floor of the inn and Darsian quietly and suspiciously approached Tub, "Where's the nearest Lopworm station?"  
Tub muttered secretly pointing to a mystical door, "Just inside that dark room."  
"Thanks, I will see you at the high school."  
"Actually, I am going with you," Tub increased her voice to a yell, "MRS. SHAKEIT! MIND THE CASH REGISTER AND FRONT OFFICE!"  
Darsian and Tub (smirking at Darsian behind her back) approached Chris and gestured to go towards to mystical door. Tub opened the door to reveal a very tiny pitch black room. Was this all a trap for Chris? Were they going to kill them here? Maybe torture him with spankings? He had an uneasy feeling about the room. Why was there no light?  
Darsian said to Chris, "Just sit down on the floor and DO NOT go more than five feet forward or we will have to rush you to Hallowshit Hospital."  
Chris replied, "Okay, but where and what is Hallowshit Hospital?"  
Tub answered this time, "Hallowshit is a holiday celebrated on October 30th which is exactly like Halloween. Only the high school celebrates it, then on the 31st, we all celebrate Halloween. So high schoolers have a two day holiday. Hallowshit Hospital is a hospital dedicated to aiding high schoolers and no one else."  
Darsian nodded as all of a sudden, Chris noticed a faint red light on one of the sides of the room as Tub whispered, "Finally."  
The red light was growing larger and Darsian beckoned Chris with her hand to back up. The red light was enormous and all of a sudden this large munching noise could beheard: MUNCH-BUU-MUNCH-BUU. It also sounded as if there was doomsday music in the air as the light showed that where they were was on a small platform and there was a huge tunnel beyond them. Possibly bigger than the main entrance hall of the inn which had a huge area and high ceiling.  
A huge creature, which must have been the Fatson Mrs. Lopworm erupted crazily out of one side of the tunnel. The red light was coming from her eyes and the Mrs. Lopworm was indeed porky and Chris opened his eyes wide in awe at this fat human. It was amazing.  
The fatson roared like a fat thing, "ALL ABOARD THE MRS. LOPWORM!"  
The Mrs. Lopworm stared at Chris as he stammered onto the back of the human. He needed to climb a staircase to get to her top. She was that humongeous. Eventually he got to top and saw that there was a small fence around her body. 'This was a human! An actual human could be this fat!' Chris thought amazed.  
Darsian and Tub also got on, but they went far into the back while Chris stayed somewhat in the front looking at the head the size of his bed in his inn room with disgusting greasy hair. All of a sudden there was a roar, and red light made the Mrs. Lopworm visible. They were off at a very large speed while a mysterious girl across from his seat said, "This is just crawling."  
Chris asked the girl, "Who are you?"  
She must have been at least five feet and a few inches, not very tall, but he knew that from her voice and her auror that she was an adult in her late twenties. She answered, "Who are you?"  
Chris said, "I am Chris McClown, I am going to be a freshmen at the high school."  
His insides turned upside down as the ride of the Mrs. Lopworm was crazy. He looked around since the woman was not talking and noticed about twenty-five students and a few adults in the back. The woman was alone, no one sitting by her.  
Finally she answered, "Don't worry, you will get used to the ride. I see, I do not live in Los Alamos. I live in the valley and am riding the Mrs. Lopworm in fear of mid-school dwellers."  
"If you do not live here, did you go to school here? If not, how do you know of the Mrs. Lopworm? If you do not live here, why do you fear the dwellers of LAMS and ride this?"  
"LAMS' evil is everywhere, young McClown. You cannot escape it down in the valley, or in the capital. I did not go to school, but I myself battle the middle school evil along with many high school assosciates. I am riding on business of a Council-Woman I must speak with about the curriculum of the health education in LAMS."  
"I hate LAMS."  
"So do all, so do all," the woman turned to read a newspapaer.  
Chris said one last thing, "Who are you?"  
She looked up and her face was not visible, her black cloak shielded her, "I am who I am. I am the one that was there when the dark lady fell. I am the unknown. That is enough questions, McClown."  
'What a strange lady,' Chris though and saw a little blonde girl approach the woman, 'That must be her daughter.'  
For no reason at all, Chris felt a sort of uneasy emotion whenever he looked at the woman. Something was not right, he did not feel she was evil, but something was not right. Who was she? She must be good if she does not like LAMS, or it could be a trick. He looked next to another girl sitting next to him very tall and red headed, "Who is she?"  
The red headed girl answered, "You can just call her The Unknown. She is strange and lurks in the Mrs. Lopworm a lot, according to my siblings. This is my first ride on the Lopworm and I do not feel so good, if you would excuse me," the girl went to the back of the Lopworm to the resting sections.  
To Chris' other side was a guy who looked rather energetic, but containing it. About three inches shorter than Chris, he was staring at the cloaked lady, or The Unknown. Her daughter was sitting next to her playing with her fingers and out of surprise, the short guy next to him, who seemed as if he would not talk but was to remain quiet and mishcievious while somewhat evil said, "Victoria, that is enough."  
The blonde little girl looked up and asked, "What do you mean?"  
Suddenly the Unknown looked rather scared (though her face was hidden) and looked up very quickly at the short figure and said angrily to Victoria, "Come now, young foolish girl."  
With that, they departed to the end of the hallway as the short guy turned to look at them smiling as if something good had just happened. It was a suttle smile that made Chris uncormfortable and muttered, "So much cheer in this Mrs. Lopworm, honestly, I would think it would be a happier place."  
With a sudden stop, the Lopworm seized its course and Chirs looked down to see that he was in a much brighter lit platform with a few smirking students. The Unkown lady could be heard, "Out of my way, please indeed!"  
The Unknown and Victoria quickly walked to the staircase just past the short guy and ran down them. Chris noticed a sign above the platform door that read: HIGH SECURITY ZONE: Los Alamos city hall & council.  
  
'What business does the Unknown have in the Council?' asked Chris to himself as Victoria went to say something to the Lopworm and sat on a bench as other newcomers boarded the Lopworm. Why were they not going already? Surely they would waste too much time, it had already been ten minutes. Chris decided, being the inquisitve person that he is, to get off and see what The Unknown was doing.  
Chris got off and told the Lopworm not to leave until he got back as her moaning dark voice responded, "Very well."  
It was a good thing Darsian nor Tub saw him or they would of stopped him. He was about to open the platform door as Victoria said, "No, you do not want to go in theeeerrrrrreeee." Chris thought she sounded like the possessed little girl from 'Poltergeist' when she said that.  
Chris frowned and slowly crept inside. He closed the platform door and noticed a wall he could hide behind. The Unknown was talking with what looked like a Council-Woman. Of the few words he could make out were: Health, Curriculum, Sex, Drugs, Needles, Homosexuality, and to Chris' amazement, Cocking."  
He moved in closer to hear, "It has gone too far my dear! Yes, I agree, as a Council-Woman I will try to shut down Cocking's horrible curriculum. It is because of her sex, drugs, and negative things are in Los Alamos. She teaches their students to love them. Be careful, the enemy has many spies, they could be watching, especially here inside City Hall! What is wrong with you my dear friend! Why could you not ask me to lunch, why did you have to come here! Of ALL places! Really! You do not know who could be listening! Stay hidden when in Los Alamos, and in the valley, beware, even in the capital, Cocking's allies are everywhere and Michelens are out to get you. Go to the Hetzerens for help!"  
"No! Hetzerens have exiled me!"  
"Go now, you know how this council favors the mid school's evil! Go now! They are coming!"  
Chris could hear footsteps, the Unknown's and a few council-members shouting, "STOP THERE! YOU! CLOAKED LADY! WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU ARE GOING!"  
Chris saw the Unknown run to the door and Chris followed behind her as the Council-Men were running after both. They barely made it through the plaftorm door, as only high school assocates could get through. The Unknown went to talk to Victoria while Chris taking this moment for her not to notice, told the Lopworm he was back and climbed the staircase. Victoria also spoke to the Lopworm and all of them were on the Lopworm once again.  
  
The short guy glared at Chris menacingly. There were a few more stops throughout the next ten minutes, but eventually they reached the hugest platform of them all, instead of a door, there was an elevator. There were jewels, gold, silver, and thousands of miniature coins for decoartions of lighting. It was as bright as could be and a sign read above the elevator: los alamos high school: home of the hilltoppers.  
Mrs. Lopworm proudly said, "BESTOW UPON NEWCOMERS! THE LAND FAR FROM THE HAWKS!"  
  
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What do you think? I know, too much melodrama, here are some spoilers;  
  
-The next chapter is titled: The Dance Instructor  
  
-Excerpt from The Dance Instructor: The dance instructor then lifted up her skirt and said, "WEE!" She looked at all her students, "Now! On my whistle! Lift up your skirt and say 'WEE!'"  
  
-You will learn a nickname of The Unknown and more about her in Chapter 18. She will not be mentioned before that.  
  
-You will not here more of Victoria until Chapter 30.  
  
-You will not here more of Darsian for quite some time. (Unconfirmed)  
  
-Chris' real name will not be revealed in Hill Topper & The Pink Book  
  
-You will find out the name of The Red Headed Girl in Chapter 27 


End file.
